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Healthy Masculinity: Where are all the good guys at?

 This weekend, I was talking to my friend who was checking in on me. She asked me if I've been putting myself out there. I laughed and asked her what she meant? She said, “You know what I mean.”.....Oh dating? Umm, not as much as I should was my overall answer to her. I'm slightly reserved and very careful due to this pandemic; I'm not keen on the options I've been given. I don't know who's responsible for the choices I've been presented with but, come on. I put out good vibes into the world; I should get valuable options, not scrubs. Men tend to come at me with their rods on fire and not their heart. Excuse the expression but it's vulgarly called "devil di@k". Yea, I'm not interested in middle aged, mindless sex followed by juvenile, unhealthy behavior like ghosting. I want to date and get to know someone. I know that I've been out of the game for some time but, for the love, who the hell set this standard while I was benched in suburbanville? Why is it normal to "hit it and quit it"?  It is total detachment. I'm no prude but give me a break; I'm too old for this crap. I've been through hell and back and not interested in your "Stairway to Heaven." I'm not your option dudes. The biggest disappointment is that my eighteen year old daughter experiences the same woes, which leads me to think there's a pattern and an explanation. Now, I know the answer. Young men are not being raised with the concept of healthy masculinity and it bleeds over into adulthood; then, I have to deal with it. So let's talk about the importance of healthy masculinity. 

What is healthy masculinity? I like answering this question because there are so many answers. If I were to choose a key word it would be vulnerability. A man that is emotionally available and mature. Here are some good examples of healthy masculinity:

Asking for help.

Not being afraid to show vulnerability like crying, fear, kindness, tenderness.

Being nurturing. 

Respectful.

Calling out other men for being disrespectful or aggressive. 

Healthy masculinity is the opposite of what men have been traditionally taught. Men have been conditioned by society to believe that being vulnerable is equivalent to weakness. You are not a man if you express your feels or you will get taken advantage of.  Don’t express those feels, you better, "Man Up", “Quit being a pussy", or my personal favorite, "Real men don't cry!" Please, healthy masculinity is waaaaaayyyyy more attractive than the alternative. It doesn't matter what type of relationship you seek, men should be able to be vulnerable in relationships because it is healthy behavior. I can think of many male actors that are "manly" but sensitive to help men relate or understand the vitality of healthy masculinity. For example, Jason Momoa, Chris Evans, and Keanu Reeves. I mean Chris Evans really does it for me but.....anyway. Healthy masculinity is letting go of societal norms and mindsets that restrict growth, go against the flow, change the narrative, and set a better example. Men that choose to express their vulnerability are more attractive and it is a sign of confidence. Studies show more men actually want to express their vulnerability but are afraid to. (Umatter, Princeton University)

So how do you become more vulnerable? How do you embrace healthy masculinity? How do I teach healthy masculinity to my kids? First, parents need to model healthy relationships at home and teach that it's safe to express feelings and be vulnerable. Also, the answer is to be in the place of compassion and understanding for others. Open your heart and connect to self-love and compassion for yourself. Men that want to be more open and in touch with their feminine side do the following or parents teach the following  three things:

Grounding- Healthy masculinity is tied to stability. To be stable in your thoughts and actions can ground your energy. Grounding our energy helps keep us focused on the present moment and keeps us from people pleasing. When we ground, we connect to the emotions that are truly important in life and our sensitive side. 

Awareness- So many men repress feelings due to societal expectations or personal experiences. Parents embrace the expression of feelings and sharing emotions in the home. Teach lessons about fairness, honesty and integrity.  Also, I think the "players" of the world that  have been burned at one time, instead of healing past pain, resort to the non-expression of feelings to cope. Being self-aware of your triggers, fears, and insecurities will help you become a strong person. Authentic expression of feelings is strength. So if you were burned by a past partner, just know not to carry those insecurities or projections into other relationships. Own your pain and try to find healthy ways to heal and release.

Self-love- Fill your own cup, respect yourself, know that you are worthy of the love you give.

So, how do you embrace your healthy masculinity? Live your truth! Be honest with yourself. Don't follow societal norms, follow your heart! Detach from the ego-self. We are living in a world full of toxic, unhealthy men, be the exception. It is so important to teach these lessons to our young men. It is especially important to teach our youth about consent and respect in relationships. Children do what they see. If they are seeing healthy patterns of behavior, then most likely they'll take that to their own relationships. If they are growing up in abuse or violence, then there is a greater chance they will repeat the same mistakes. Start by teaching kindness and mindfulness.

To conclude, my daughter’s life is full of funny anecdotes so, I tend to share her adventures. This reminds me of her friend in high school. One day, she was upset about a breakup and her friend came to cheer her up. They went for a drive and she told me that they were in his car listening to music. So those of us over thirty-five, know about mix tapes. Yes, we all made them back in the day. Especially those breakup tracks. Well our kid's generation relate to playlists. So my daughter told me they were driving around and he started to play some music. My daughter noticed that the playlist was titled, "Feelings." I think I laughed for days about that. My daughter said to me, "Mom, why is that so funny?" I told her cause, "He gets it." My daughter's friend gets "it." Healthy masculinity! Yessssss. Let's teach our boys to make a "Feelings" playlist. We will all benefit. Lol.

Resources:

For more detailed information on healthy masculinity visit and explore Jackson Katz who is considered an expert in the global movement to encourage gender equality and prevention of gender violence. https://www.jacksonkatz.com/about-jackson/

Start young and teach our kids kindness https://www.verywellfamily.com/teaching-kids-kindness-620723

Teach teens about consent: https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent

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The Victim Assistant

Peace, Love, and Happiness

Photo by Dmitry Demidov




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