Leaving a relationship and letting go of the connected past is undoubtedly difficult. Imagine what it would be like to leave an abusive relationship; a relationship riddled with power and control, fear, gaslighting, isolation, and sometimes physical abuse. Imagine the strength and courage it takes to make a decision that could have severe consequences. Once you evaluated the situation, sought professional advice, and executed the evacuation plan safely; how do you live your life free from abuse? It is so complicated and there is not one answer. Every situation is different and everyone's support systems and plans vary. The only constant is in the way we take back our power! Life after Domestic Violence means learning to take back your power. When I was going through my separation, I had a dear friend say something to me that I didn't realize I let go of. I was telling him about my situation and challenges. I can't remember exactly what I said but his reply to my worry and concerns was," You have all the power!" He looked at me puzzled like I should know better. In fact, when he said that one sentence, he said it so confidently that I felt empowered at that very moment. YOU have ALL the power! You can write your own script and you are the only one that can control what you think, do and say. Once you act and walk away, you took the first step in taking back your power. Taking back your power involves independent thinking, empowerment, support, healing, forgiving, loving yourself, and letting go of codependency. Survivors have to relearn living. Living a life free from abuse means working towards a life of peace and equality in all relationships. Sometimes it will feel like an uphill battle but you must persevere. So, how can survivors continue to take back their power? Here are some suggestions:
Make safe and healthy choices from here on out. When you are controlled by someone else you let go of your sense of self and learning to make decisions, big or small, can be difficult. You have to continue to remind yourself that you have free will. Honor every single choice you make including the minor decisions like what to wear or eat in the morning. Every decision is a blessing no matter how small because YOU made it. Making safe and healthy choices means taking a step back and looking at consequences and setbacks. Ask yourself, "Am I honoring my new path by making this choice?"
Support yourself. Build a support system with professional tools and family. There will be times where you will feel vulnerable and or scared that you made the wrong decision. At these times, you should reach out to your support systems and ask for help and guidance. Attend a domestic violence support group so you can be around others that are going through similar struggles. It can be extremely helpful to listen and engage with others that understand. You can also learn from others and how they cope. In addition, learn new coping strategies through therapy.
Forgive yourself. You are human and deserving of safe, healthy, and equal partnerships. Love is not abuse. Living a life free from abuse means acknowledging your past and setting it free. Owning your mistakes and forgiving yourself is part of healing. Power and control and living in the cycle of abuse has programmed your self esteem and part of taking back your power is to surrender to self-love. Learn to love yourself again. Be your own best friend. Think about what makes you so lovable. Make a list. Embrace alone time and rediscover all the parts of you that were hidden in your relationship. Get to know your true self and be it. Once you release the past and honor your true self, the forgiving comes naturally.
Set boundaries. Set clear and stable boundaries with abuser and follow through. Never back down. Every situation is different especially if children are involved, and I suggest a professional advocate help safety plan so that all parties are protected. Having children with an abuser and maintaining boundaries can be difficult because abusers do not respect boundaries; they have no control over them. In these situations, many times survivors utilize the courts for protective orders or family courts to help establish visitation and safety boundaries.
Rebuild your life. Focus on YOU. What is going to make your life fulfilling? Engage in life and in activities of self improvement. Practice self-care. Many survivors have told me that part of their healing involved healing other non intimate or familial relationships. Rebuilding trust and bonds with others helped them rebuild their life after abuse. Sometimes abusers isolate survivors and lose their connections to family and friends. This abusive and controlling tactic tears families apart and when survivors leave abuse sometimes they feel alone because they left their family out in the cold. Rebuilding relationships within families is part of the journey. The positive side is that you are hopefully becoming a better version of yourself, if your are doing the work. If this is you, when you reconnect with family it will be a healthier connection and one that sparks hope for a better future.
Be alone. Love yourself first. You cannot give love if you don't love yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Do not get into another relationship for at least a year. NO NO NO NO. Use this time to learn about yourself and why you engaged in an unhealthy relationship. Explore your shadow side. What are your insecurities that are buried in your subconscious that people can exploit. Look within. Seek professional help if you were ever victimized and heal your past so you can recognize the red flags. Educate yourself on abuse, power and control and the red flags so that you can seek out healthy people, places and things in your life. Being alone is the greatest gift to yourself.
In my life, I had never really been with men that appreciated me. I was always the partner that gave relentlessly and I felt my sparkle was always dulled by someone. I think my upbringing and my responsibilities as a child set the tone for my intimate relationships. I'm a nurturer almost to a fault and I neglect my needs. That's my shadow side. Not feeling worthy of love and support. It has taken me the last two years to recognize and understand my worth. I finally stepped into my power. I'm not identifying with domestic violence but I understand when someone you love doesn't love you back the way you deserve. You learn to accept what's not healthy or good for you. The best way to describe my relationship was remember in Dirty Dancing, Patrick Swayze, at the last dance goes over to Baby and says," No one puts Baby in the corner!" Well, that was the last 20 years of my life in the corner. Patrick Swayze was a particular incident that occurred in my relationship that pulled me out of the "corner". At forty-three years old, I said no more. I honor my past because it taught me so much about myself, and I rediscovered my true self. I always felt like I was meant for bigger things but was always obligated to sit on the sidelines because that's what I was taught to do. I take full responsibility for my choices and assign no blame. It's what I learned through my healing.
I had a really blessed and privileged life the last twenty years and I love my ex for a lot of reasons. He gave me a beautiful daughter that I cherish every day. She makes me smile and laugh on the toughest days. I sometimes relive my youth through her eyes. She is my joy. She is the best parts of both her parents. I'm showing her how someone stands in their power; I hope she's paying attention. Despite everything, I have a great deal of respect for my ex because he is the epitome of coming from nothing and now having everything. He is hard work and discipline. I respect that. As I look back on my situation, I realized that my relationship was unhealthy, unbalanced at times and I use justifications for staying. I used comfort and financial stability as my excuse to stay. Money doesn't buy happiness and it became a crutch for me. Now, as I take back my power, I realize that I am abundance. I can create my own wealth and future. I have mean skills. I started to believe in myself and realize my worth. Some of you will have that AHA moment in your life where you will realize what life could be like free from abuse and some of you will act and some of you will think. When you are ready to act...DO IT. You will know the time is right. Take back your power! Use the tools and suggestions I have given you to live the life your deserve. Below are resources that can help you in your journey. Every journey is different and difficult so always consult professional help and guidance to ensure your safety. Love yourself and take back your power.
Love, Peace and Happiness.
The Victim Assistant......Always advocating.
The Victim Assistant, Crime Victim Advocacy Podcast available on most outlets including Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Spreaker and Spotify.
pandatheadvocate@gmail.com
https://www.dvrc-or.org/safety-planning/
https://www.domesticshelters.org/help#?page=1
https://www.thehotline.org
Articles about life after Domestic Violence:
https://healthtalk.org/womens-experiences-domestic-violence-and-abuse/life-after-domestic-violence-and-abuse-taking-back-control
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/the-unspoken-secrets-about-life-after-abuse-fiff/
Make safe and healthy choices from here on out. When you are controlled by someone else you let go of your sense of self and learning to make decisions, big or small, can be difficult. You have to continue to remind yourself that you have free will. Honor every single choice you make including the minor decisions like what to wear or eat in the morning. Every decision is a blessing no matter how small because YOU made it. Making safe and healthy choices means taking a step back and looking at consequences and setbacks. Ask yourself, "Am I honoring my new path by making this choice?"
Support yourself. Build a support system with professional tools and family. There will be times where you will feel vulnerable and or scared that you made the wrong decision. At these times, you should reach out to your support systems and ask for help and guidance. Attend a domestic violence support group so you can be around others that are going through similar struggles. It can be extremely helpful to listen and engage with others that understand. You can also learn from others and how they cope. In addition, learn new coping strategies through therapy.
Forgive yourself. You are human and deserving of safe, healthy, and equal partnerships. Love is not abuse. Living a life free from abuse means acknowledging your past and setting it free. Owning your mistakes and forgiving yourself is part of healing. Power and control and living in the cycle of abuse has programmed your self esteem and part of taking back your power is to surrender to self-love. Learn to love yourself again. Be your own best friend. Think about what makes you so lovable. Make a list. Embrace alone time and rediscover all the parts of you that were hidden in your relationship. Get to know your true self and be it. Once you release the past and honor your true self, the forgiving comes naturally.
Set boundaries. Set clear and stable boundaries with abuser and follow through. Never back down. Every situation is different especially if children are involved, and I suggest a professional advocate help safety plan so that all parties are protected. Having children with an abuser and maintaining boundaries can be difficult because abusers do not respect boundaries; they have no control over them. In these situations, many times survivors utilize the courts for protective orders or family courts to help establish visitation and safety boundaries.
Rebuild your life. Focus on YOU. What is going to make your life fulfilling? Engage in life and in activities of self improvement. Practice self-care. Many survivors have told me that part of their healing involved healing other non intimate or familial relationships. Rebuilding trust and bonds with others helped them rebuild their life after abuse. Sometimes abusers isolate survivors and lose their connections to family and friends. This abusive and controlling tactic tears families apart and when survivors leave abuse sometimes they feel alone because they left their family out in the cold. Rebuilding relationships within families is part of the journey. The positive side is that you are hopefully becoming a better version of yourself, if your are doing the work. If this is you, when you reconnect with family it will be a healthier connection and one that sparks hope for a better future.
Be alone. Love yourself first. You cannot give love if you don't love yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Do not get into another relationship for at least a year. NO NO NO NO. Use this time to learn about yourself and why you engaged in an unhealthy relationship. Explore your shadow side. What are your insecurities that are buried in your subconscious that people can exploit. Look within. Seek professional help if you were ever victimized and heal your past so you can recognize the red flags. Educate yourself on abuse, power and control and the red flags so that you can seek out healthy people, places and things in your life. Being alone is the greatest gift to yourself.
In my life, I had never really been with men that appreciated me. I was always the partner that gave relentlessly and I felt my sparkle was always dulled by someone. I think my upbringing and my responsibilities as a child set the tone for my intimate relationships. I'm a nurturer almost to a fault and I neglect my needs. That's my shadow side. Not feeling worthy of love and support. It has taken me the last two years to recognize and understand my worth. I finally stepped into my power. I'm not identifying with domestic violence but I understand when someone you love doesn't love you back the way you deserve. You learn to accept what's not healthy or good for you. The best way to describe my relationship was remember in Dirty Dancing, Patrick Swayze, at the last dance goes over to Baby and says," No one puts Baby in the corner!" Well, that was the last 20 years of my life in the corner. Patrick Swayze was a particular incident that occurred in my relationship that pulled me out of the "corner". At forty-three years old, I said no more. I honor my past because it taught me so much about myself, and I rediscovered my true self. I always felt like I was meant for bigger things but was always obligated to sit on the sidelines because that's what I was taught to do. I take full responsibility for my choices and assign no blame. It's what I learned through my healing.
I had a really blessed and privileged life the last twenty years and I love my ex for a lot of reasons. He gave me a beautiful daughter that I cherish every day. She makes me smile and laugh on the toughest days. I sometimes relive my youth through her eyes. She is my joy. She is the best parts of both her parents. I'm showing her how someone stands in their power; I hope she's paying attention. Despite everything, I have a great deal of respect for my ex because he is the epitome of coming from nothing and now having everything. He is hard work and discipline. I respect that. As I look back on my situation, I realized that my relationship was unhealthy, unbalanced at times and I use justifications for staying. I used comfort and financial stability as my excuse to stay. Money doesn't buy happiness and it became a crutch for me. Now, as I take back my power, I realize that I am abundance. I can create my own wealth and future. I have mean skills. I started to believe in myself and realize my worth. Some of you will have that AHA moment in your life where you will realize what life could be like free from abuse and some of you will act and some of you will think. When you are ready to act...DO IT. You will know the time is right. Take back your power! Use the tools and suggestions I have given you to live the life your deserve. Below are resources that can help you in your journey. Every journey is different and difficult so always consult professional help and guidance to ensure your safety. Love yourself and take back your power.
Love, Peace and Happiness.
The Victim Assistant......Always advocating.
The Victim Assistant, Crime Victim Advocacy Podcast available on most outlets including Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Spreaker and Spotify.
pandatheadvocate@gmail.com
https://www.dvrc-or.org/safety-planning/
https://www.domesticshelters.org/help#?page=1
https://www.thehotline.org
Articles about life after Domestic Violence:
https://healthtalk.org/womens-experiences-domestic-violence-and-abuse/life-after-domestic-violence-and-abuse-taking-back-control
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/the-unspoken-secrets-about-life-after-abuse-fiff/
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