I like to talk about my healing journey and offer support and hope to those that want to explore self love and healing trauma but don't know how. This post may not resonate for everyone but, I feel compelled to share my experience with healing generational trauma. As I sifted through my past and decisions, I can't help but feel like obligation and family expectations tainted my judgement. Do you feel that your family has unresolved trauma that is being passed down to generations? My answer to this question was yes. I have been on an emotional journey of healing and growth which has brought about many realizations and harsh truths about my ancestry. All my life, I have felt an inner knowing that I was made to stand out or for a big purpose; however, I never really felt supported or encouraged to growing up. I lacked stability and safety as a child. This inner knowing has sat with me all my life untapped. I started to ask myself the hard questions. When I first started to develop the need to heal past trauma, I went to therapy in my late twenties. I was working in law enforcement assisting crime victims, and I was experiencing a lot of triggering and secondary victimization. My job was becoming incredibly difficult to deal with so, I decided to get help; through therapy, although brief, I recognized my trauma and was able to put a label on it, abandonment. Healing abandonment issues brought up the why's. Why did I experience this and is this a pattern in my family? I started to identify dysfunctional patterns in my family and began to assess the root of these patterns that I felt were being passed on to other generations. "Generational trauma patterns can be depicted as a heavy chain of links, dragged (unconsciously) from one family line down to the next." LindaJoy Rose,PhD. "Generational Trauma: We can heal ourselves through Our Ancestors." Huffpost, Huffpost, 4 July 2017, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/generational-trauma-how-we-can-heal-our-selves-through_b_595ba894e4b0c85b96c66482 .
Trauma is a person's emotional response to a distressing experience. Generational trauma is the belief that trauma can be transferred from one generation to another. My healing process brought me to this realization and the need to change. You have to have the strength and ability to take on the demons in the family and that is not easy to do. In my culture, we honor our ancestors through passing on traditions and those that do are given protection. I always felt connected and close to my family and ancestors. I was usually the one that followed traditions and listened to my grandparents when they spoke of our heritage. I'm the person that connected the dots; I thought maybe I learned negative behavioral patterns from my family. There is too much unnecessary suffering going on in my family. The trauma that occurs within families varies and shows up in different ways but can include but not limited to the following: abuse, anxiety, neglect, abandonment, shame, depression, unhealthy coping skills, etc. In order to release yourself from these heavy bonds, you have to do the healing work. When you heal, you release future generations from the burden of past pain and you are in turn liberating them and ending generational trauma that can often feel like a curse. Currently, I feel my generation wanting to free ourselves but, not everyone wants to face their shadows and do the inner healing work. It takes an incredible amount of strength and courage to fight the demons in the family dynamics that plague us. I am the one to bring about the peace that my family deserves. I am choosing to set an example in our family when it comes to self-love and improvement. At the moment, I am the only one that wants to accept the pain and heal it. I am one of two that have chosen the caring profession in our family so it makes sense. I am on a mission to break toxic, unresolved trauma like co-dependency, depression, anxiety, neglect, and addiction. Our kids deserve better and a clean slate. So how do you begin to fight the demons plaguing your family? For me, I started by confronting my own faults and insecurities. Often people feel they learn that behavior from their parents and upbringing, unhealthy coping skills. The process always starts with honesty and an openness to change. I began to recognize my own faults and mistakes in relationships and as a parent. I realized I was not responding in a healthy way when it came to parenting my daughter. I had a harsh reality check that I was beginning to pass on the chains to my daughter. That is probably the worst feeling in the world because all I want to do as a parent is nurture, love and support her. Psychologists call these realizations, identifying the trauma cycle. Trauma is stored in the body and in the brain. Experts believe that trauma can alter the way our genes are expressed and how we are "wired" to deal with things which gets passed down to other generations. At this point, I began to do the following to break the cycle within my family:
Confrontation- I spoke up and started to have honest conversations with family members in a kind and compassionate way. I learned a lot about my ancestry and the history that sort of explained where the trauma may have started. Most of the time, I approached trusted family members and asked them questions about unhealthy behaviors I noticed in the family. The responses from them ranged from recognition to denial. With some family, I felt judged. There is no easy way to approach negativity and I just didn't take anything personal; I just took note of who was in denial and not interested in growth. I put my familia on notice that I wanted to start a new narrative.
Shadow work- I went to the dark side. You have to explore the insecurities that you bury in your subconscious. Everyone has insecurities. Shadow work is a psychological theory developed by Carl Jung that states if you explore the negative aspects about your personality that plague your life and self, you combat the negativity which leads to emotional healing, peace, and awakens your authentic self. It takes tremendous courage, strength and vulnerabilty to abandon your ego self and that is why so many people turn away from the light and reject healing. You can't skip this step. If you want to heal from your ancestral trauma, you have to do the healing work. I had to take a hard look at my past behaviors and choices and ask myself why did I make certain decisions or held on to limiting beliefs. Self awareness and taking responsibility is key in shadow work. You can heal your shadow through therapy, meditation, journaling, and healthy lifestyle changes.
Self-empowerment- I took charge of my life. I became an expert of self. I analyzed my life and took a hard look at the things I need to do to make my day to day life more grounded so, that I have a place to learn and grow. What do I need to do to create peace in my life? I took inventory and also started to cut toxic people and situations out. I put myself first and made decisions accordingly. In order to practice self-empowerment, you have to be aware, know the players in your life who take your power away, and you need a hella lot of courage and strength to take on these negative people. There are several ways to gain self-empowerment for example, setting goals, letting go of the past, trusting yourself, and self-care.
Spiritual practices- I was drawn to spirituality because I was introduced to it through yoga practices. Spirituality is the quality of being concerned with the human spirit and soul as opposed to material things. When you practice spirituality your focus shifts to what really matters in life; peace inside and out. How people interpret spirituality is really up to the individual. I believe in God and embrace my Catholic upbringing but, I choose to focus now on practices that bring me closer to self. I believe that spiritual practices like quiet reflection, meditation, yoga, time in nature, grounding, and prayer have helped me get in touch with my best self. We often neglect who we really are, our true self, due to societal cues or familial expectations and end up suppressing our truth. Suppression of our true self is common in our society and leads to generational trauma. Spiritual practices feeds my soul's need for inner peace. I daily practice meditation and yoga to help keep me centered and grounded. There are numerous meditations on YouTube that address trauma. The key to spirituality is to be open to receiving the benefits without judgement.
Setting boundaries- I have a great post about being a boundary bae setter (I'll link at bottom of post). Part of setting boundaries is to identify in your life the players that disrupt your peace. Confronting toxic family is necessary when healing generational trauma. Like I said earlier, you get your power taken away by toxic family so you have to heal and stand in your power again. To do this, I observed and identified who stole my peace and I addressed them head on. This particular step will be different for everyone and depends on where you are in your healing journey and the courage you have. Confronting toxic family members ain't for sissies. Harsh truth. My willingness to confront them head on is because I have that personality trait of no nonsense. My particular situation, I didn't feel compassion and understanding was the appropriate response because of the circumstances. Evaluate before you approach. Most of the time, you will be met with denial and resistance because they are not choosing to accept responsibility or have self awareness. This process can be extremely difficult. Boundaries are in place to keep you safe, healthy and focused on healing.
Healthy habits- You have to be healthy inside and out so, I decided to engage in healthy habits. I choose to take care of my body, mind, and spirit. One habit that really keeps me above water is a daily routine. Daily routines keep you on track and focused. Another change I made was engaging in self love practices that make me feel good. Engage in daily activities that build you up. If you don't fill your own cup, you'll have nothing to offer others. Lacking love of self interferes with growth and healing so take care of yourself and make it an healthy habit. Also, eating healthy and clean and paying attention to diet and exercise really boosts my healing process. When I have a bad day, I turn to a healthy habit to boost my mood and refocus my energy.
Professional guidance- Utilize traditional and or group therapy. I am a big advocate of group therapy because I used to facilitate groups and I recognize the benefits of how being around other's that have similar experiences can provide you with comfort and confidence to heal. It's also important to get professional guidance in how to heal your trauma. My way is not THE way.
The steps I took are the steps I feel propelled my healing process. Everyone heals at a different speed and has a different path or process; however, I have identified a really important pattern in healing, self love. Investing in yourself and lifting yourself up puts you on the path to healing success. You have to learn from the lessons of the past; especially, those of your ancestors. I've been in the shadows a long time healing, learning, and growing so, I can be the best person I can be for myself and my daughter. I took the road less travelled to explore generational trauma, modeling healthy behaviors, and slaying it so it ends with me. “Pain moves through families until someone is ready to feel it and heal it.”- Stephi Wagner
If you want to explore generational healing first, identify the unhealthy patterns, open up sensitive communication with your elders and family, set the intention of recreating a new narrative, be the example of change in your family, and get professional guidance. Success is determined when you start living your life in truth and with purpose. You begin to make healthier life choices and model healthy behavior and show people the power of healing. If this post resonates with you, I hope the information can help you explore healing and find peace within the family lineage.
The Victim Assistant-Peace, Love, and Happiness
Boundaries http://pandatheadvocate.blogspot.com/2021/04/innovative-self-care-practices-building.html
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