How to stay connected to your young adult using positive interactions

This fall I became an empty nester and my daughter went off to college leaving me with a lot of emptiness because my whole life has been about her development, safety and care. When you focused most of your time on your family, it's hard to adjust your priorities in your life because it's so customary. I noticed that our relationship was changing and how you handle the changes determines whether there is growth or a fixed mindset. It was a challenge raising a daughter in this world of judgement, conflict and disillusion. There are so many obstacles to conquer in parenthood and it's especially hard when your partner is not on the same page. As a family, we had to address many disagreements and in this time in our daughter's life, I didn’t want to argue. There is so much more to argue about with young adults. I wanted us to go into the next stage of her life all of us being a team. You cannot go backwards and live in the past. When you start planning a family or picking partners, many people neglect to have important conversations about values, beliefs, and agree on a way to raise your kids. We were no different, not only did we not get on the same page, we weren't even on the same damn road. As a parent, I chose to grow with her and that means leaving behind things that did not work when it came to parenting.  If I were to give any advice to my daughter for her future, it's to live with truth, purpose and pick a partner that wants what you want. It's important to be on the same page when it comes to the dynamics of parenting. You don't need to be, to be successful parents, because we managed to raise a phenomenal human being but it could've been a lot easier and less confusing to our daughter.

I realized as my daughter was preparing to move out and attend college that I'd have to approach conflict with her in different ways. The joys in life typically stay the same, it's the challenges that need a new roadmap. I noticed that she wanted more independence in her life. I mean how can you not know teens want that; they spend most of their time building their autonomy. I also knew that I made serious mistakes in parenting when it came to communication, as most of us do, because we are not perfect. "To err is human...."
As we prepared, I decided that its time to let go of the control that parents feel they need to have with their kids to feel comfortable. I knew letting her be her own person was going to keep us connected. To let go is to let them make decisions based on your example and what you taught them. There are times where my eyes roll out of my head because she acts like an eighteen year old, young and dumb. I always tell her," How many times are you going to repeat lessons before you figure it out?" I basically live my life and she lives hers and I’ll get the occasional phone calls with complaints or she needs something but thats how we stay connected. 

We stay connected because I chose to be there for her and not be IT for her. Releasing her and letting her be her own person and discover who she is as an adult is keeping us connected in a positive way. Also, as hard as it is, she speaks her truth and I listen more. She is discovering who she is and what she likes, dislikes, what makes her happy, content and what challenges her. She runs her own life and schedule. I take the stance of arms above my head. Its difficult. I’m getting better at not giving my opinions unless asked or long sleepy lectures on responsibility. Now, I ask if I can give my opinion and most of the time she'll appease me mostly because she knows what I’ll say. I think she misses the arguments. I spend time with her by helping her with her adult chores like, how to cook, clean, or stay healthy. We still meet up for our favorite beauty treatments and it is this time we talk and it's more of shooting the breeze, casual and we usually end up laughing at how stupid college guys are. I find myself more open minded when it comes to college shenanigans; it’s relatable.

I feel closer to her now because Im not stressed about how she's gonna turn out or if she listens to me. I already got confirmation of that because she applied herself and got accepted into college a year early. The girl cares about herself and her future. Does that mean she won't mess up, of course not. She will make bad decisions but at least she'll have the tools to improve and do better. She's already made some whoppers, umm rear ending another car in parking garage, getting a nose ring and the list will be added to but despite this I think she's growing and learning sometimes the hard way. Im proud of how she recovers from setbacks. 

I read an article that stated research shows we need at least five positive interactions to each negative interaction to maintain a healthy connection to our kids. Ok. I don't think these people have kids but if they say so.... here are some positive ways to stay connected to your young adults that my daughter and I do all the time.

-She'll send me youtube videos or tweets that she finds hilarious or entertaining. This is also helpful for me to know about what is going on with our youth and what they find popular or entertaining.

_We'll watch shows together or talk about shows after. We are both obsessed with 90 Day Fiance right now. 

-I offer to help her wash her car. We drive, talk and she shares her music with me. A few weeks ago, I realized that she had Weezer, "Island in the Sun" on her playlist. I guess we like the same music. I shared a college memory with her triggered by that song. Her response, "MOM, You didn't!" It's a reminder to her that I was once 18. 

-I send her self care links, study guides or Pinterest pins that would interest her.

-We meet for lunch, she'll come over for dinner or we'll go to the Dairy Queen.

-I check in on her regularly or text goodnight.

I'm blessed to have my kid go to school in state and have a good relationship with her, but staying connected means checking in with them whether it's received or not. The little things matter. I never had a son so I don't know if the dynamics are the same but I'm sure you can figure it out. Loving them unconditionally is a given but loving them while they develop their own sense of self while staying connected to them on THEIR terms will encourage growth. To break it down, provide the following to your young adult:
Acceptance
Tolerance
Open Mindedness

Encourage them to be active through community involvement or employment. When they are busy, they are less likely to make bad choices. They have more to lose and less time for those consequences. It's best to relax and go with the flow and find your own ways to disapprove in private. LOL. I practice a lot of self care especially on those hard days.  I hope this information was helpful. Give it a try. To all the parents of 2020 graduates, good luck, stay positive and connected. It’s also important for incoming Freshmen to be informed about campus safety, sexual assault and consent. For more information and how to educate your college students go to rainn.org or follow me on social media, listen to my podcast. 

The Victim Assistant- Always advocating
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